He heard me and apologized. We talked about it and then made adjustments. I share this not to put him on blast – he is an amazing man – but because this story is not unique to us. Not even close.
I can’t begin to tell you the number of times I’ve shared what I do, only to have the person say, “oh my gosh, my [insert partner designation] needs to go through your program.”
I've talked to so many people who share a version of the same concern about their partner. Often it’s after I share the work that I do. The specifics vary, but the theme is consistent:
my partner is always on their phone, and it's affecting us. Their body language is that of defeat, as if they’ve had the conversation but it’s gone untreated.
Sometimes it's the endless scrolling. Sometimes it's the inability to sit through a meal without checking notifications. Sometimes it's gaming – and yes, I love video games, but a controller can become just as much of a relationship disruptor as a smartphone when boundaries aren't set.
Here's the thing about tech habits in a relationship: they are no longer just about you. When you are in a partnership, your tech habits become part of the relationship dynamic. Every time you reach for your phone mid-conversation, you are making a choice about where your attention goes. Your partner feels that choice, even when you don't mean to make your partner feel that way.
When we consistently choose the screen over the person sitting right in front of us, we send a silent message: what's on here is more interesting than you.
That is a sucky feeling. Nobody deserves to feel that way from the person they love.
Being in a relationship is a choice you make every day. It's a choice to show up, to engage, to be available. Presence is one of the most intimate gifts you can offer another person – and it costs nothing except your attention.
That means putting the phone face down during dinner. It means finishing the conversation before checking the notification. It means looking up when your partner walks into the room. Small things. Human things. Things that say, "you matter to me, and I see you."
If your tech habits have been creating distance in your relationship, you don't have to overhaul your entire life. Start with one agreement. One boundary you both set together. Maybe it's no phones in bed. Maybe it's no devices during meals. Maybe it's a simple rule: when we're talking, we're talking.
Whatever it is, make it together. That conversation alone is an act of presence.
I want to be fair here, because relationships are nuanced.
Some people have jobs that require them to be reachable. My husband has times where he is on call, and picking up the call or responding to the text isn't optional, it's his responsibility. Just as I expect him to respect our time together, I have to respect what his job requires of him.
This is where open, honest communication becomes everything. A healthy relationship around technology doesn't mean zero tech, it means agreed-upon alignment. It means talking about when it's okay to be on the phone, when it isn't, and what each person needs in order to feel seen and prioritized.
You can't assume your partner knows where your boundaries are if you've never told them. And you can't hold someone accountable to a standard you've never set together.
If this is resonating, maybe it's time for a real conversation with your partner – phones away, eyes on each other. Here are a few places to start:
- Do we have any shared agreements about phone use in our relationship?
- Are we honoring phone agreements that we’ve made?
- When do you feel most connected with me? When do you feel most disconnected from me?
- Is there a tech habit of mine that bothers you that you haven't told me about?
These aren't easy questions. But the relationships worth having are built on honest (and sometimes tough) conversations.
Whatever is on your phone right now – the texts, the emails, the notifications, the feed – it will still be there in an hour. Your partner, your relationship, the moment you're in right now? That's what's irreplaceable.
Put the phone down. Look up. Love out loud.
That's the good stuff.
POP offers personalized digital wellness plans for couples who want to build healthier tech habits together. If this resonated with you and your partner, explore our personalized digital wellness plans for partners. We can help you get the spark back if technology is interfering.
